The worst feeling in the world? Having the best feeling in the world shot to hell by a large, hairy spider plummeting from the ceiling directly onto your forehead.
Dear Spiders living in my house,
It's ON, bitches. The uneasy peace agreement between us has been broken by one of your trigger-happy comrades. No longer will I be tolerant of you as long as you stay in the corner on your web, and don't move or make baby spiders. I can no longer turn a blind eye to the fact that you are disgusting, creepy, and deliberately launching yourselves at my head. You may have the edge in stealth, but have you forgotten that I am approximately 5 billion times bigger than you?
There was a time when I felt bad about smooshing you. Like that time I was cleaning the shower with bleach and one of you walked into the bleach and then started writhing around and dragging your eight disintegrating legs further and further into the bleach? Well, that was a mercy smooshing and I still felt bad about it. Now, I will aim the bleach at you, you motherfuckers. And no more mercy smooshes.
If I go to Hell for this, it will have been worth it.
Rot in Peace,
Katie
UPDATED: The second worst feeling in the world? Thinking you smell pee somewhere in your bedroom, and then, in the middle of the night you flip your pillow over and discover why. I can only hope it was the dog, because if it was Lennie, we need to have a serious talk. Jake, you are lucky you are
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11 comments:
I had to read this one out loud to my husband and we're still laughing. Seriously. I'm cracking up! Hope you're feeling better.
I would have needed to be peeled off of the ceiling, ack! I can deal with snakes (hate them but my husband hates them worse), lizards in the house and even the occasional cockroach but spiders turn me into a twelve year old girl.
It's full on war here when I see a spider too. Good luck with your killing spree.
He can't be all THAT much stealthier, what with all the white-thigh bearing, wedgie-inducing workouts you've been having.
Spiders and I have an uneasy peace as long as they stay OUTTA my room. One time my daughter and I were sitting up on my bed watching tv. She spied a spider walking on the ceiling and said, "Ohhh, Mommy, kill the spider." I said to her that it would probably just crawl down the wall somewhere and then I could get it.
Next thing you know, this spider takes a divebomb on a long string RIGHT BETWEEN us, pausing at our eyelevel to stare at us. You should have seen it, we were off that bed in separate directions faster than an atom could split. (This was just a couple of days ago)
I hate hate hate this time of year. It's SPIDER city.
I woke up one morning to a creepy feeling on my face. I smacked at it...was a wolf spider. Ever see how big those Mo'Fo's are?
I laughed so hard I snorted (and it was during an inappropriate moment when everyone else was watching Marie Antoinette which, really, could use a little lightening up).
windex works well, too.
HA! Kick some spidey-ass!
If this would have happened to my fiance, he would have forced us to move. Seriously. You have just described his worst fear.
You ruined my day…now I feel the spiders crawling all over me…I have however outsmarted the little fuckers by taking of my clothes so there’s nowhere to hide on my person… I’m also running top speed everywhere I go so they cant catch me…I have to do this as I cant take a bleach bath…I think Brandy used all the bleach on my food…gotta run…literally…
Came over from Even the Nice Ones and I stumbled across this post and started cracking up. Not just because it was HILARIOUS but also because I could relate to the guilt you felt killing the hideous creatures. Luckily I have never had the experience you had with the spider landing on my forehead-EEK, but I still feel all kinds of guilt squishing them.
cool. very nice post, you are a great mom for sure!
I certainly enjoyed the way you explore your experience and
knowledge of the subject! Keep up on it. Thanks for sharing the info
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