I hate you, Hell Demon

While walking around the neighborhood last week, Lennie snapped a picture of this hell demon living in our neighbors' yard. He came home and said he saw a spider that "Looks like a cartoon drawing of a spider. Like someone drew a spider to look as pissed and scary as possible." He said it was big too, like the size of my palm big. And now the fucker is living in close proximity to our property. One more reason to convert to from mild to severe Agoraphobia and never leave my house again.


And just for fun, here's a little photo I shot of our butler. She lives above our front door and greets all our guests. Shit, judging by the size of her, she may be able to take your coat and fix you a drink - Bloody Mary I would guess.

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The photo is blurry because there is no way in hell I would ever get close enough to get a good picture. But, do you notice anything? Our butler looks eerily like the hell demon from next door. And let's zoom out for a moment and look at the whole picture, shall we? This is how I know our butler is a "she".



Fuck. That egg sac is the size of a golf ball. Time to fill Connor's water gun with bleach. Although then I run a real risk of my butler turning on me, jumping down and doing this to me:

So, let us review our options.

(a) try and squirt bleach at the butler and her hell demon spawn and risk being attacked, biten, poisoned, paralyzed, mummified, hung upsidedown and immobile, and then slowly eaten alive.

(b) do nothing and then live in a house swarming with baby hell demons

(c) move. Considering the risks, I think moving is the only viable option.

Midmorning update:

My astute bloggy friend, Karen, noticed that the butler is fucking smiling at me.

Holy Shit, Karen, you're right. I did a little tooling around with my picture of the butler so you can all see what Karen saw. Now, I hate that little fucker even more (the butler, not Karen - she's cool). I'm foreseeing the high pitched shriek of a mother and her hell demon babies squealing in the bleach bath they're about to get. Nobody smiles at me and gets away with it.