Thumbs up to Shrimp Man

"Man nabbed with frozen shrimp bags in pants
When confronted, he took bags out and promised to return them

BRADENTON, Fla. - Authorities said a man tried to steal several bags of frozen shrimp from a supermarket by hiding them down his pants. The Manatee County Sheriff's Office reported that an off-duty detective was shopping at a Sweetbay supermarket Sunday when he noticed what appeared to be a man with groceries stuffed in his pants.
The detective approached the 32-year-old man and ordered him to stop. Authorities said the man then removed several bags of shrimp from his pants and promised to put them back.
When the man fled for the store's exit, the detective tackled and restrained him until patrol deputies arrived."


I think I used to date this guy. Except back then, he never used to bag his shrimp. I couldn't resist that one; there were just too many jokes that came to mind the second I started reading this story. But really, Shrimp Man? Couldn't you have devised a better plan? Those bags of shrimp must have been pretty bulky. Next time you plan a seafood heist, maybe try and go for a nice flat catfish fillet, or possibly some small salmon steaks to stuff in your pockets. Everyone knows pocket lint adds a nice crunch once it's all grilled up. Plus, pockets seem like a better place to keep food than, oh, down your pants. Did you really think offering to put the shrimp back after they've been curled around your ball sack was a good suggestion? I can never think of the words, cocktail sauce, in the same way again.

Also, Shrimp Man, why did you give up so fast when you were confronted by the off-duty cop? Were those several bags of frozen shrimp, oh what's the word I'm looking for here, ICE FUCKING COLD? At least when they strip search you, you can claim "shrinkage".
Next time, don't be such a freaking pansy. Go to jail like a man; with someone else's jumbo shrimp in your ass.

Please, do yourself a favor and check this story out. You'll feel so much better about yourself after you've read it.