Well Ladies and the two Gentlemen who read my blog (Lennie is not included here because I don't count the people whom I have to physically force to read my blog), today is my 100th post. I considered going out like Seinfeld. You know, calling it quits while you're number 1. Except for that I'm not number 1; I'm more like 5,742,001, and I'm not calling it quits. Because, as I figure it, the world needs me. Why, just today someone found my blog by googling the simple word, "parenting." I feel sorry for those fucking kids.
And, I ask you: where would the internet be without my little pearls of wisdom about farting, little mermaid erections, and dudes who put frozen shrimp in their pants? No where cool, I can tell you that.
So, in keeping with what other bloggers seem to do for their 100th post, I will hereby torture you with 100 things about me.
1.Besides "parenting", people have found my blog by googling "there's a demon in my house"
"how do I get a raisin out of my nose" and "minivan stench." I like to provide a variety of useful information.
2. My blog got it's name because I once spent an afternoon walking around the mall with a nice squishy raisin stuck to my ass. This never would have happened before I had kids.
3. Other things that never happened before I had kids include:
4. Catching puke in my hands
5. Being puked on (ok, well a few times I puked on myself, but that was in college and therefore does not count)
6. Picking someone else's nose for them
7. Wiping someone else's ass
8. Sniffing someone else's ass to see if smells like poop
9. Being totally vulnerable by the Intensity and Desperation of Love. MUSHY SAP ALERT.
10. I have my Girl Scout Gold Award - yes, that one was indeed random.
11. My first job was as a babysitter. I quit after a kid hit me with a baseball bat and then his Mom paid me $3.
12. My next job was a lifeguard. You can't believe the amount of drunk people that fall into pools.
13. I met Lennie in 7th grade. He was my lab partner and I had a crush on him.
14. Although we didn't start dating until senior year of high school when I finally got rid of the permed hair and rainbow bangs.
15. I hate libraries.
16. I could live happily the rest of my life eating only pretzels and Diet Coke.
17. Animal crackers and Nilla Wafers could substitute for pretzels if need be.
18. It sucks when massage therapists talk the whole fucking time.
19. I can move heavy furniture all by myself. Ask Lennie, he hates it. Once he came home to find that I had dragged a king size mattress up a flight of stairs during my 5th month of pregnancy.
20. Right along with #19: I'm stubborn.
21. I bite my nails when I'm stressed. Right now, they are nubs. I must have subconscious stress.
22. If left to my own devices, I would go to bed at 3am and wake up at noon.
23. I think it would be cool to buy a big boat and spend a few years traveling the world (and then I wake up)
24. I love hiking. I wish I did it more.
25. My biggest fear as a child was being eaten by sharks. It was a recurring nightmare.
26. Despite that, I still want to learn to surf.
27. I used to have 7 piercings. Now, I'm down to just one in each ear. I'm a suburbanite, what can I say.
28. Never thought I'd be driving a minivan either.
29. My other biggest fear as a child was animals. That is, until my parents got me a hamster when I turned 7. That little thing bit the shit out of my fingers but I still loved it. Then, they got me another hamster, and now we had one of each sex. Lots and lots of little baby hamsters ensued.
30. I have a lot more fears now. Most of them involve something happening to my kids.
31. I love a good bonfire. Marshmallows on sticks, stories, sitting on logs. Love it all.
32. I would kill for some ice cream right now.
33. I am content to leave a job only 1/3 of the way done.