Sometimes Mommy is an Asshole

Dear Connor,

Remember the other day, when I asked you to throw a piece of paper away in the trash can underneath Daddy's desk? Then, how you crawled into the dark hollow, and just as you reached the deepest part, Mommy said, "But watch out for the monster!" and you jumped 4 feet backwards in 0.2 seconds and stared at me with wide eyes?

You weren't really sure if there was a monster because the logical surface part of your brain tells you that there's no such thing as monsters and Mommy is just teasing you. But then, in the deep imaginative center part of your brain, there is an uneasy 'what if' that is taking root. WHAT IF? What if there really is a hungry monster living underneath Daddy's desk just waiting for delicious unsuspecting children to go crawling underneath?

So you stood there and looked at me, with the piece of paper still in your hand and said, "Mommy. There are no monsters," in a rather unconvincing way that seemed more like a question than a statement. And I said, "I know, kiddo, Mommy was just being silly. Now, can you throw that paper away, please?"

And so, with much more respect for the dark otherworldly creatures that may be lurking under Daddy's desk, you cautiously crept toward the garbage can. That is, until Mommy screamed, "DON'T LET IT EAT YOU!"

Yeah... sorry about that one.