I'm being poisoned

We have had such beautiful weather here in North Carolina the last few days, that Lennie and I decided to go to an outdoor mall to just walk around and enjoy the first beads of spring sweat. It was beautiful - that is, until a dark cloud cast a shadow on the day...I'll explain in a bit. We I decided to take a peek at this cute little gift shop/jewelry store and as exciting as it was to him, my lovely husband agreed to go in with me. We gradually made our way to the back of the store and were just strolling around when Lennie said, "I think I'll take Ella over to the fountain while you're looking around." So, out he goes and I continue to browse, until:

The following is the exact phone-text sequence that followed Lennie leaving the store:

Me: U just ripped one in here BAD!
Lennie: Who me?
Me: OH MY GOD

The worst part was he dropped one right in front of the jewelry section so I couldn't even look at any of it. I think it was sabotage. It was a slow-spreader, and I had to make my way out of the grips of the stench. It was foul, and I tried not to walk away too fast as to not make myself seem guilty. As I tried to casually stroll away while holding my breath, I took a test breath to see if I was clear. NOPE. Good God, this thing has some acreage. I walked farther and took another test breath. Sweet Jesus. Time to leave the store immediately.

As I emerged into the blessedly fresh air, I spotted Lennie across the street, smiling. He smirked his way over to me, and while we were laughing and I mentioned someday I am going to have emphezema because of him, he started walking a few feet behind me. That's exactly when a strong breeze blew his latest creation right up to me. Please, for the love of all things precious, will somebody mail me a gasmask? My life depends on it.