Maybe he should have paid her first

Many thanks to my friend, Melissa, for the heads up on this one. As she said, "ShamWhoops!"

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you will remember my love affair with the ShamWow super absorbent towel. It doesn't matter that I've never actually seen a ShamWow in real life, just on TV, but it looks so freaking awesome. The ShamWow guy on the other hand, has seen better days...I hope.

This is what Vince looks like after a smackdown.

According to the Ottowa Citizen, he got into a hotel fist fight with a prostitute who bit his tongue and wouldn't let go, a la pit bull style. He had to punch her until she released his tongue. Um...ouch? He then ran into the hotel lobby bleeding and that's when security phoned the police to arrest them both. Too bad he didn't have a ShamWow handy to soak up the blood.

You can use the magical ShamWow to soak soda out of a carpet and to stifle your hemorrhaging tongue after a hooker goes Mike Tyson on your ass. Only $19.95!

The Finished Painting

Well, it took me 21 hours over the course of 2 months, but I'm finally done with my first painting. I'm pleased with it and hope to improve in the coming months.

Or why you should just use dental floss

The other night, I was scarfing down my dinner in a big hurry because I was running late. As I rushed out the door, I did a quick "do I have anything in my teeth?" grimace into the mirror. Let's just say it's a good thing I did. I had a big honkin piece of something stuck right between my two front teeth. If I didn't bite all my nails off after watching 7 DVR'd episodes of a 'Ghost Hunters' marathon, I might have been able to get it out. By the way, I am addicted to that show now. If you've never seen it, it's basically a bunch of Roto Rooter guys (yes, they're plumbers - I suppose they are used to seeing a lot of creepy shit. HA! Did you see what I did there? You love it.) who go to places that people think are haunted with all their scientific equipment and try to catch evidence of paranormal activity. I love this show. Stop laughing.

Lennie is especially thrilled when he's trying to read The Wall Street Journal or The Economist or one of his finance textbooks, and I'm watching Ghost Hunters and I keep pausing and rewinding to see the ghost they caught on video, and shouting, "LENNIE, you HAVE to watch this!" And, he'll peer over the top of his newspaper in the Dick Cheneyist way possible, and say "Mmmmhmm." And, I'm all like "Did you see the ghost? Here, watch it again." But the key to any good marriage is balance: I now know more about finance reports, valuation and devaluation, opportunity potential, asset management, etc than I ever really wanted to, and most of my "lessons" come while I'm cooking dinner and balancing a cranky baby on my hip, or reading a book, or trying to watch Ghost Hunters.

But, back to the point. So, my stubby chewed-off nails didn't work, I only pushed the wad of food wad deeper. I tried to force a stream of spit through my teeth to push the food wad out , but only succeeding in spitting all over the mirror, and then, a stroke of genius: I have long hair, hmmm. Hair is kind of like floss... it just might work. So, as disgusting as it may be, I was desperate, I was late, so I flossed with my hair. It would have been a great plan if only my hair hadn't snapped in half and curled up like gift wrap ribbon.

Pop Quiz Time:
Q: What's worse than having a wad of food stuck between your two front teeth?
A: Having a black curly hair stuck between your two front teeth.

Ode to Hermit Crabs

I think you died
But just can't tell.
You look the same to me.
Languishing in
Your little shell
But now you are smelly.

Your legs are gone.
Your claws are too,
But still you lasted a week,
I'm sorry that
Ya'll are dead.
Though I likely will not weep.

Dear TV Guide Channel,

When I step on the treadmill each day, I turn to you in a desperate plea for something to take my mind off of the boring torture I am about to inflict on myself. However, most of the time you let me down, and I end up watching CNN, which kind of defeats the purpose of watching TV to ease boredom.

Yesterday, as I watched the lines scroll by, waiting and hoping to see, 'Harry Potter' or 'Jaws,' my optimism began to fade because all of the good channels had already gone by with nothing to offer. 'Hot Girls in Scary Places'? Are you serious? I even briefly considered watching "Commando" out of a lack of options. But then you, TV Guide Channel, started running the "Top 50 Sexiest Men Of All Time" to brighten my day while I waited for something to watch. Thank you. Before yesterday, I'd never actually watched the TV Guide Channel for a full half hour.

Sincerely,
Katie

PS - I can't condone ranking Charleton Heston above both Patrick Swayze and Hugh Jackman. What were you thinking? Actually, I can't condone Charleton Heston being on this list at all. He looked like a cranky old dude even way back when he was just a cranky middle-aged dude.

I'm being poisoned

We have had such beautiful weather here in North Carolina the last few days, that Lennie and I decided to go to an outdoor mall to just walk around and enjoy the first beads of spring sweat. It was beautiful - that is, until a dark cloud cast a shadow on the day...I'll explain in a bit. We I decided to take a peek at this cute little gift shop/jewelry store and as exciting as it was to him, my lovely husband agreed to go in with me. We gradually made our way to the back of the store and were just strolling around when Lennie said, "I think I'll take Ella over to the fountain while you're looking around." So, out he goes and I continue to browse, until:

The following is the exact phone-text sequence that followed Lennie leaving the store:

Me: U just ripped one in here BAD!
Lennie: Who me?
Me: OH MY GOD

The worst part was he dropped one right in front of the jewelry section so I couldn't even look at any of it. I think it was sabotage. It was a slow-spreader, and I had to make my way out of the grips of the stench. It was foul, and I tried not to walk away too fast as to not make myself seem guilty. As I tried to casually stroll away while holding my breath, I took a test breath to see if I was clear. NOPE. Good God, this thing has some acreage. I walked farther and took another test breath. Sweet Jesus. Time to leave the store immediately.

As I emerged into the blessedly fresh air, I spotted Lennie across the street, smiling. He smirked his way over to me, and while we were laughing and I mentioned someday I am going to have emphezema because of him, he started walking a few feet behind me. That's exactly when a strong breeze blew his latest creation right up to me. Please, for the love of all things precious, will somebody mail me a gasmask? My life depends on it.

I count to ten a lot

I let Sayde and Connor watch 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone' this weekend (with a few parts fast forwarded), and of course they were awed and amazed and completely loved it. But, all I can think about is this: remember the scene where Harry, Ron and Hermoine were in Hagrid's hut and his dragon egg was hatching?


Me: "Sayde, what's that coming out of the egg?"


Sayde: "A teradactyl."


Sometimes I wish I could bottle the cuteness...so that later when she rolls her eyes, stomps up the stairs and slams her bedroom door, I can sneak in and sprinkle her with the cuteness and *Presto Chango*



Crabwatch 2009: The hermit crabs are amazingly still alive. Although, I have to take total care of them since they still have no legs whatsoever. This includes, putting them in their water so they can drink, making little nests in the gravel for them to rest, massaging their feet...just checking to see if you're paying attention.

I should not be in charge of living things.

It started off like any other morning. I woke up, got the kids ready for school, made lunches, fed the baby, and put Sally and Prime, our little hermit crab friends, in the sink so they can play. It was an ordinary morning for Lennie too. He made the kids pancakes, exercised, read the newspaper and started the dishwasher.

After I finished feeding Ella her rice cereal, I went over to the sink to wash out the bowl and that's when it all went terribly tragically wrong. I couldn't decide between vomiting, fainting or running from the kitchen while convulsing with the heeby geebies. As I looked into the sink, I saw bits of soapy foam clinging to the sides, two hermit crab shells laying on the stainless steel sink floor with the sink water drained out...and little hermey claws and legs scattered all around the sink. Yes, every single one of their legs fucking FELL OFF!

Ahhhbleaaaghewwwbbbbllaaaa!

Apparently, it's not a good idea to run the dishwasher while you have living things in the sink because the hot soapy water backs up the drain. And if those living things happen to be hermit crabs, their legs fall off.

And, as if I didn't feel bad enough, when I picked one of the poor things up to look inside it's shell, it was still alive, cowering in the way back, and probably wondering what the hell it ever did to deserve being boiled until it's legs falls off. Damn. Now, I really feel like a monster. So, I did what any good mother would do: stand there in shock while Connor wandered over to see what all the fuss was about. He peeked into the sink and said, "But, Mommy? Why did all their legs falled off? It's not your fault." Crap. I am definitely a monster.

I put the little hermies back in their tank and underneath their hidey-hole-hut to hopefully either let them die in peace or possibly recover. Do their legs and claws grow back? I don't know, but I do know that if they don't, I'll be nursing two crippled crabs for the rest of their lives. Maybe I could make little wheelchairs for them.
I'm a monster.