I'll be in my room with the door locked. If you need me, too bad.

Oh what a lovely week it's been. I'll spare all the charming details and just share a few of my thoughts.

To all the husbands of the world, when the dishwasher explodes and the kitchen becomes Lake Lanier, and your wife calls you? She is not calling for advice or recommendations of any kind. She already knows to soak up the water with towels and call a repairman. She is calling to scream at you and mock your suggestions. These are the facts of life.

To all the children of the world, when your Mommy tells you to go play outside, that is code for, "You are so far up my ass that you're coming out my nose. Go away and give me 5 minutes of peace and quiet FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" I like to think of Chris Farley screaming out that last part. Also, standing on the deck, peering into the back door with your hands cupped around your eyes like goggles, for an hour doesn't count as "playing" outside.

If only I had a dungeon.

Yesterday afternoon while straightening up the house, I noticed my new leather bench has been 'claimed'. Apparently, it now belongs to Sayde. At least it is now the territory of a female. If Connor had wanted the bench for his very own, he would be likely to pee on it.



But, we have never really confronted this problem with Sayde before. Connor has a recent history of coloring the white carpet with red crayon - his last creation was a 3 foot long pirate ship on the floor next to his bed, but Sayde is usually fairly trustworthy. So I wasn't really sure what to do about this. Waterboarding doesn't seem to be in vogue anymore. Thanks a lot, Obama.
So, what's a mother to do? I asked a good friend, and followed her advice.

It's good to know that Sayde, "will not dmagefurbve" ever again. I wish I could think of another way to hit it home that it's not cool to destroy the house. Having her pay for a new bench seemed like the rational thing to do for a split second, and then I realized she only makes one dollar every few weeks (and she has to rip a wiggly tooth out of her head to get that dollar). That could take a while. Any other ideas?

Next time, Pictionary and Cupcakes it will be.

This weekend was Lennie's college anniversary, and a bunch of his buddies got together to celebrate and go to the spring football game. Before and after the game in the parking lot, about 20 of us gathered to tailgate in the back of one of his friend's luxury SUV. We had some Bud Light, some carrot and celery sticks for the adults, and a bunch of juice boxes, pretzels and ice pops for the little ones. We put all 6 of the kids in my friends' minivan to watch 'Go Diego Go' while we drank some beer and ate lots of veggies.

We noticed that a couple of parking spaces over, there was a group, just as big in numbers, but with much more beer, no food, no minivan or luxury SUV, and most with no shirts. Ahhh... the difference between college students and alumni.

Later that evening we regrouped and decided to go out to a sports bar for dinner and then nightclub afterwards. I shouldn't really use the word 'decided'. You see, it was more like,
"So, what's the plan?"
"No fucking clue. Why don't we just order another pitcher of Fat Tire and see what happens."
...and then we ended up at a nightclub.

For your reading pleasure, I've compiled a list of evidence of:

How to tell if you're the oldest person at the nightclub

1. Instead of a beer, what you really want is a coffee because it's way past your bedtime.

2. Aren't there any goddamned chairs in this place?

3. Your sundress comes down to mid-calf, not mid-ass cheek.

4. While looking at the stumbling drunken girls, you think, "Geez I hope they get home safe. Was I ever that drunk in college?" By the way, the answer would be, Yes, you were that drunk in college.

5. Instead of a $20 bill and an ID shoved into your jean's pocket, you have a Ginormous Mommy purse still loaded down with various teething rings and matchbox cars and a coloring book from the afternoon.

6. You spend the whole night saying, "If one more person bumps into me, I'm gonna go insane."

7. You don't recognize any of the songs the DJ plays, except for that one that's on the radio all the time.

8. Nobody else seems to notice how incredibly loud the music is.

9. You think, "Why would someone wear a miniskirt, and then go dance in a cage hanging from the ceiling?"

10. When someone suggests going out for food afterwards, all you can think about is pajamas.

Biltmore House

The following is a handy little update on our mountain trip, written by my adorable husband to his family:

Hello Family. A vacation update.

Delete if sleepy because this will most likely put you over the top. We went to the Biltmore Estate today. It was absolutely gorgeous. The tour of the Biltmore Castle took about 2 hours. Then we spent another three hours walking around the breathtaking gardens and forest.

The kids were amazing. Sayde and Connor walked all day without complaining at all. We arrived at Biltmore around 11 and didn't leave the grounds until after 6. Ella, on the other hand was surprisingly stubborn. She did not nap at all and I had to carry her in the baby bjorn for 7 hours. She will hopefully sleep until Friday.

We ended the trip at the Biltmore Winery. It was a small winery but Katie and I found some nice bottles of wine. For dinner I found the #1 rated kid friendly restaurant in Asheville. It was in the heart of the city. Unfortunately I did not check the menu. After being seated we discovered that it was an international vegetarian restaurant. Katie and I loved it, Connor was not convinced that "tofu sloppy joe's" really was hamburger meat....

When asked what their favorite part of the day was, Connor replied "The Dead Moose." We should thank the taxidermist. Love to all.

Rabies, and Lions, and Lyme Disease OH MY!

Tonight's blog is brought to you all the way from Asheville, NC. Yup, Lennie actually got me to go back to a log cabin in the mountains. Hopefully this time, no one will die. I can't make any promises though and did I bring a knife with me on our walk down the gravelly forest road. You never know when you will run into a black mountain lion. I swear they exist, and if one pounces down on me, I'll be pretty glad I have a steak knife in my trench coat. I want to at least get one good stab in before it's jaws clamp down around my neck.

Nervous? I'm not nervous at all thank you very much. I love wilderness. Yaaaay mountains.
Hopefully tomorrow we will head into the city and explore some art galleries. There's way less chance of being eaten by lions downtown.


Quote of the Day from Connor: "Did you know that one time, I was almost throwing up, but I sucked it back in?"

Congrats to my alma mater

That was an ASS WHOOPING.
And now I'm going to bed.

PS-I must be a good luck charm because I only watched one game this whole year, and in that game, they won the national championship. It's uncanny.

No more King Arthur books for Connor

Me(over breakfast yesterday morning): "Hey guys, today Mommy wants to take some nice pictures of you in the backyard so that I can make a pretty painting of you."
Connor: "Can I have my sword in the picture?"
Me: "Umm, maybe. We'll see."
Connor: "Can my sword be stuck through my chest, and I be lying on the ground and pretending to be dead?"

Then, I decided we would play 'The Quiet Game.' You know, whoever talks first, loses.

You can lead a horse to water...

As a mother of girls, I try to instill a sense of empowerment in my daughters. I want them to know that they're smart, capable, and strong. While it's true Sayde has boxes filled with pink tu-tus and princess crowns, she always claims to be a "Warrior Princess" like Mulan. Or, Zena if you want to be a jerk about it.





In our house, we don't really encourage Barbie Dolls. While better than the loathely Bratz, they are still kind of stupid. As a kid, I spent hours and hours just setting up the furniture in the Barbie mansion. Sure sure, it's imaginative play, but what was I imagining? Whether the plastic couch would look better over here, or over there? What ball gown should Barbie wear today? It's not exactly akin to dreaming up the law of gravity. I'm hoping my girls will spend their imaginations creating art, playing outside, and most importantly: reading. To encourage the reading, Lennie takes them to the library almost every weekend. They love it. In fact, Sayde loves it so much, she picked out 7 books this time. Here they are:









Awesome.