This and That

Interesting things were heard in the Friedman household this morning.

Exhibit A: (Sayde)
"I don't want to brush my teeth. The toothpaste stings my eyes!"

Exhibit B: (Connor and I)

Me: "When the bottom half of the Earth tilts away from the sun, it becomes winter there. Penguins live on the bottom half of the Earth. Do you know who else lives there?"

Connor: "Uncle Seth?"

Me: "Um, no. Uncle Seth lives in Brooklyn."

In other news, here are some paintings I've been doing lately.

Psst...that last one is me. Wow. Look at how skinny I am! I love my paint brush. It's like Harry Potter's wand, "Flabulous Repairo!"

Coloring America

This morning, Connor took out his crayons and drew a big circle on his paper. He told me he was coloring the United States of America. He chose a blue crayon and after a few squiggles, told me "This is North Carolina."

Next, he picked a red crayon and asked, "Mommy, what state is red?"

"Uhhh, Texas?" I said.

He busily began making red squiggles to make Texas.

Next, he picked a brown crayon. "Mommy, what state is brown?"

"New Jersey."

Disclaimer: I'm from Jersey. Only people from New Jersey can make fun of it. Don't try it or you might yourself sleeping with the fishes, capiche?

Another Quicky:

This morning, in the minivan on the way to preschool, there was a major breakthrough in scientific research. One of the major questions of the human race has finally been definitively answered. We now know for sure how the dinosaurs died.

A giant meat-eater fell out of the sky.

Thanks for all your hard work on this, Connor. The world is grateful to you.

As we drive by a graveyard...

Sayde: "Connor, did you know a little kid died?"

Connor: "Really?"

Sayde: "Yeah! A little kid! Do you want to know why he died?"

Connor: "From old age?"

Rabies, and Lions, and Lyme Disease OH MY!

Tonight's blog is brought to you all the way from Asheville, NC. Yup, Lennie actually got me to go back to a log cabin in the mountains. Hopefully this time, no one will die. I can't make any promises though and did I bring a knife with me on our walk down the gravelly forest road. You never know when you will run into a black mountain lion. I swear they exist, and if one pounces down on me, I'll be pretty glad I have a steak knife in my trench coat. I want to at least get one good stab in before it's jaws clamp down around my neck.

Nervous? I'm not nervous at all thank you very much. I love wilderness. Yaaaay mountains.
Hopefully tomorrow we will head into the city and explore some art galleries. There's way less chance of being eaten by lions downtown.


Quote of the Day from Connor: "Did you know that one time, I was almost throwing up, but I sucked it back in?"

No more King Arthur books for Connor

Me(over breakfast yesterday morning): "Hey guys, today Mommy wants to take some nice pictures of you in the backyard so that I can make a pretty painting of you."
Connor: "Can I have my sword in the picture?"
Me: "Umm, maybe. We'll see."
Connor: "Can my sword be stuck through my chest, and I be lying on the ground and pretending to be dead?"

Then, I decided we would play 'The Quiet Game.' You know, whoever talks first, loses.

Earn 2 Bucks, the hard way

For the last few years, Sayde has had this pitiful looking small grey tooth taking up real estate in the front center of her mouth. I think the "grey" part had something to do with an overly enthusiastic Jake chasing a tennis ball on the driveway, and deciding that rather than run around the toddler, it's quicker to just go straight through, thereby causing the unfortunate toddler to land tooth-first on the driveway. And, we won't make mention of whom the tennis ball thrower was, okay, Lennie?

But, I'm on a tangent. So, thank God, on Friday night, the shabby little tooth was finally loose enough for me to yank out of Sayde's mouth. I was not sad to see it go, and apparently, neither was she. She held out hope that the Tooth Fairy was going to leave her one hundred dollars, and to ensure it, she placed a bribe underneath her pillow. In addition to the tooth, she left a plastic baggie with a heart colored in red crayon, with an Ariel eraser and a ginormous plastic ruby ring. I guess the Tooth Fairy would have rather had a bottle of wine, some chocolate and a new pair of heels though, because all Sayde got was a dollar wrapped in a little paper heart.


Friday night



Fast forward to last night, when the kids were in the bathtub and I was folding laundry a few feet away. One minute, they're splashing around having fun, the next, Sayde is frantically shrieking, "MOMMY! MOMMY!"

I looked over to see Sayde holding her face, her hands dripping with blood.

The hell?

"Mommy, Connor kicked my other tooth out!" She was hysterically giggling - to the point of psychosis. On the contrary, Connor was speckled in blood, and trying to submerge himself in order to hide from what from his point of view, was likely a very very bad scenario. Since there was only about 4 inches of water however, he wasn't going anywhere. But, luck was on his side last night. I mean, how often do you kick someone's tooth right out of their friggin head, and they're deliriously thrilled about it? Wrath of Mommy avoided in one bloody toothless smile.

Oh the curious relationship that is Siblings:

You kick the tooth from my head
Bathwater churning, swirling red
Thank you, brother.

Sunday night

PS
Sayde tried to up the ante last night by leaving a Dora the Explorer Doll, driedel, coloring book, and a snake stamp underneath her pillow. The tooth fairy left her a stiff neck and one crisp dollar bill.

Blog Slacker Says What.

What?
Exactly.

Some random mid-week thoughts:

I started a garden this week. It's something I've wanted to do for years, but we've never been settled enough to put some roots down (hey, did you get that? Sorry I had to). But now that we are home for good because, as Connor likes to say, Lennie's job is "nothing," I am finally able to make it happen. Just 2 days ago, I started the seedlings, and already I have lettuce sprouts. The motherly feeling of watching those little seeds spring to life is akin to giving birth, only with less screaming. Plus, the dirt doesn't need to be sewn back together after the lettuce pops out. Oh well.

What's up with the octuplets mom's lips? Inject much? No money for food, surviving off of student loans & website donations, but lip collagen galore. Come on. Who am I to judge though? I just spent two hours scaring the crap out of myself by watching Ghost Hunters International on the Sci Fi channel, instead of solving the mystery of why Sayde "can only breathe out of one of(her) noses." Also Connor wanted to know why "one of the Star Wars cut off the other Star War's hand," and again, I was unavailable for answers. What kind of mother am I?

A tired and grouchy one. And one with a throbbing jaw because dentists are sadistic.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. That peanut president who knowingly sent putrid food into the marketplace, is a total Scumbag. Why are there people like this walking the earth?

Hug-a-Saurus

Today, Connor is having his Valentine's Day party at preschool. Last night, we spent about 45 minutes at the kitchen table writing out all the Valentine's cards. We just went down names on the class list, one after the other while Connor told me whether they were "good listeners" or "bad listeners". That is, until we got to Meredith. Connor stopped, smiled, and said, "I like Meredith. She's my girlfriend." Then, he raised both arms over his head and said, "I love her thiiiiiiiis much."



Dear Meredith,

If you break his heart, I will hunt you down and make your life a living hell. Envision this: on Valentine's Day, you'll get a heart shaped box filled with empty wrappers. I'll bite the head off of your chocolate bunny on Easter. Your jelly beans become my jelly beans. Peeps? No Peeps. You don't even want to know about Christmas. Consider yourself warned.
Now have a great party, you crazy kids.
Love,

Connor's Mommy

Insane, got no brain.

As Sayde and I were walking out the door last night to go to Tae Kwon Do, I yelled to Lennie, "Peace Out, Yo!" Here is the conversation that followed:

Sayde: "Yeah! Peace Out, HO!"

Me: "No! Not Peace Out, HO. Peace Out, YO!"

Sayde: "Peace Out. YO HO!"

Me: "Close enough. You're insane in the membrane."

Sayde: "Yeah. I'm insane in the breadbrain."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This morning, on the way to Connor's preschool, I "jokingly" told Lennie he put too much Splenda in my coffee. This joke is only funny to me, since the day before, I "jokingly" told him he didn't put enough Splenda in my coffee. So, he "jokingly" told me that he was going to kill me. As I laughed and said, "That's not nice," a curious wee voice drifted towards us from the backseat, "Daddy? Why are you going to kill Mommy?"

Great. Good job, Lennie. I can only imagine what he told his teachers today at school.

The obvious solution? From now on, I'll just make my own damn coffee.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me: "Hey Sayde, what's the Spanish word for beach?"

Sayde: "I don't know."

Me: "La Playa."

Sayde: "La Playa."

Me: "Connor," (who was standing next to me during the above conversation) "What's the Spanish word for beach?"

Connor: "Beacho."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Zibbs wrote a list of his favorite (and not so favorite) comedians, which got me thinking about this skit about Nursery Rhymes from Ricky Gervais. Everytime I start giggling, Lennie shakes his head in pity. I swear, if you laugh, I will not judge you.

Advice from Dr. Connor

Believe it or not, I actually do participate in some textbook parenting now and then. For example, this morning the kids and I were having a discussion on the dangers of smoking, and all the reasons why it's bad for your body. When the topic moved on to brains, Connor wanted to know exactly what a brain was. After I told him it was something in your head that made your body work and helps you think, we moved onto how we can take good care of our brains. Sayde said, "Don't smoke and eat healthy foods."
"Good one," I said.

And then there's my other child...

Here's a useful tip from Connor about how to take care of your brain:
"Keep it in your head!"

That sounds like the keystone of a good life to me.

Once Upon a Medieval Times...

There was a little princess who lived in a castle far far away in Lyndhurst, New Jersey. The princess was the fairest in the land and many brave knights battled to win her favor. However, the Red Knight, Sir Gregorio, fought the most fiercely and skillfully. After he defeated the obnoxious villain, the Green Knight, he presented the princess with a scarf of his colors and threw her a flower. The princess's heart swooned. Alas, though it was not to be (because Sir Greorio is my sister's boyfriend's older brother and Sayde is 6 years old) the little princess still waits in her tower for the brave Red Knight to rescue her from the evil Queen who forces her to make her bed every day.

The young Sir Connor, on the other hand is busy eating roasted chicken without the aid of a fork, and testing his skills with battle axes and swords. After the Red Knight gifted him with his own sword, Sir Connor proudly announced, "Hey, I didn't even kill anybody, right?". Well done, sir, well done.

Things One and Two

Ok so this doesn't count as a real post, I realize, but I'm in the middle of cooking dinner so you get what you get and you don't throw a fit.

Things that my kids said in the last 24 hours:

"My Indian name is Goldfish." (Sayde)

"Cool! I just found gum in my neck." (Connor)

Caution: Don't read this post while eating.

The following conversation took place at the dinner table over chicken sandwiches last night:

Sayde: "Mom, when the doctor made the cut to take Ella out, did it go all the way around your back?"

Me: "No baby, it was just a small cut on my tummy, remember?"

Connor: "Yeah, I came out of your cut too. Right, Mom? Because I needed help to get out"

Me: "That's right."

Connor, continuing: "Yeah, because I was a big giant baby. But not Sayde, she was a little tiny baby. She climbed out all by herself. She was little. Like a poop. Mom, did you poop Sayde out?"

Sayde, crying: "CONNOR! I'm not a poop. Mom, did you poop me?"

Me: cleaning up my dinner plate and walking away.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PS The hook was a birthday present to Connor, obviously.

Almost (but not quite)

A mousetrap.

Sitting up.

Excited.

Gentle.

Sorry.

Mother Goose (gets plucked)

Connor had some gorgeous blonde curls.
Alas, strangers mistook them for girl's.
He might look cute with a little pink bow,
but with football and mud, it just wouldn't go.
So off to the barber we swiftly did flee,
to make a Man in his waning days of three.

"Not too short, please longer than most," I nervously said as I stood at my post, off to the side. Just along for the ride.

The scissors did not belong to me.

"I can deal with this," I thought, as the curls were lopped off and gently dropped to the ground.

Somewhere, under all the hair, a little boy was found.

I agreed it was fab, and we settled the tab.

But still, I can not deny, in the back of my mind,

an uneasy "Meh" you could find.

This was not the vision I had.

But it all turned out well,

when I brandished the gel, and pounced on my little guy.

He protested a bit, but he did then admit,

that now he looks pretty fly.

I love you Connor, quit growing up so fast.

Tweetsie

Hmmm, that's an odd title for a post. It's also an odd title for an amusement park in the Blue Ridge Mountains, but it exists nonetheless. Tweetsie is "famous" (famous as in I've never heard of it before this weekend) for the Tweetsie Railroad. It's a 3 mile train ride through the mountains on this old timey coal burning train, complete with Cowboys and Indians . It was the only ride Ella got to do the whole time we were there, and she took advantage of this opportunity by being scared shitless every time the Tweetsie whistle blew. It blew quite often, unfortunately. I got pretty quick on the draw at cupping my hands over her ears to block out the LOUDEST FUCKING WHISTLE EVER, but alas, it didn't seem to help. She spent the 45 minutes of train riding fun alternating between being startled into red faced wild eyed screaming, and then panting her way back to being just calm enough for the whistle to blow again. Of course, we were right in the very front of the first train car because Sayde has a superiority complex. If I had a matchbox car in my purse, as I usually do, I would have whipped it at this grouchy lady who was giving me the stink eye as I bounced Ella as fast as my knees could go. Instead, I just smiled at her, and to my delight that really seemed to piss her off.
I'll have to post the pictures later because Lennie brought his old film camera as a backup.

It wasn't all bad though. We enjoyed Dr. Peppercorn, a teenage magician with 6 daily shows at Tweetsie's. He pulled a couple of kids from the audience to be his assistants for his various card tricks. Connor frantically waved his hand every time Dr. Peppercorn needed a volunteer. At one point, he turned to me in desperation and pleaded, "Mommy, when is it going to be my turn?" The chances of him getting a turn weren't very good since he's only 3 (well, almost 4), so I just said, "Let's see", which is Momish for "No f'ing way". But, Dr. Peppercorn must have descended from Heaven that day because he did pick Connor on the very next trick. Connor scrambled up to the stage, told everyone that his name was Connor and that he was from North Carolina, and then held his card on the table just like he was instructed to do. Then, my proudest Mommy moment ever occurred. Dr. Peppercorn asked Connor what the magic word is, and Connor said Please. I could have died right there. I wish the bitch from the train was there to see that.
Connor, you make a Mommy proud. Ella....oh Ella. You're good for kissing, but not for train riding.

Sometimes you gotta learn the hard way

Today Connor learned an important lesson: never stomp on an anthill while wearing Crocs.



The picture's not the greatest, but he was asleep when I took it. Not only do I not supervise my children closely enough, but when they are attacked by wildlife, I photograph it (and blog it) . I'm still waiting for my Mother of the Year award.

Where's my President?

I woke up this morning feeling like I've been mashed into the ground, had my stomach turned inside out, and my head squeezed. Don't worry, I'm not hungover. Nor, am I pregnant, which would be much much worse. I'm just plain sick. Not a good recipe for taking care of 3 kids, but I managed to peel myself off the couch (it's only 1:30 in the afternoon) to blog this little cuteness from Connor:

"Mommy, is The Rock Obama going to give us a present?"

"No baby, he's not giving us a present. He's running to be pres-i-dent of the United States."

"Oh. Is The Rock Obama going to give us a pres-i-dent?"

The Quote of the Day

Comes from Connor after I told him he'd better put that quarter in his piggy bank before it gets lost: "Yeah, because if you lose your monies, you will have to buy more monies."

I wonder exactly how that would work, Connor? And what could we use around here to buy more monies? Uncapped dried out markers? Random Polly Pocket pieces? If anyone out there is willing to sell us their monies for these little gems, we'll be riding high style baby.

And as a side note, wouldn't it be great to live in a world where a Chuck E Cheese token is more exciting than actual money? If you happen to visit this fabled utopia, tell Connor I said hi.