Talk to your doctor about Overactive Bladder today

I reluctantly admit that I browse through People magazine's online photos a few times a week. It's a habit I am not proud of. Some of the "celebrities" are just downright annoying. Take Kim Kardashian for example, why is this woman famous? I'm not sure. Although now, it seems she is coming out with a new work out video called "Fit in your jeans".

Funny, to me it seems like it should be called "Piss in your pants."

Damn. My dog doesn't even lift his leg that high. I hope the work out video involves toning up those kegel muscles.

Isn't it Ironic?

Definition of "missed opportunity": When a woman puts the kids to bed, cleans the bedroom, dons silk lingerie, lights candles, and comes downstairs at 9:00 pm only to find husband has fallen asleep on the couch. Woman tries to wake husband up, but to no avail.

Next day, woman gets her period. Not just a little 'ah what the hell we can just put a towel down' period - NO - more like 'recently stopped breastfeeding and now hormones are making up for approximately 17 period-free months by trying to cram the sum of all periods into one 5 day span'. No towel will do the job here, not even a ShamWOW. Husband spends week kicking himself and cursing womankind.

I Fear For My Safety

Right now I am astounded by the universe. Tonight, as I was backing out of a parking space, I paused to let some pedestrians pass. As I was waiting for the people to walk by, who should ram their minivan straight into the back of my minivan? STUPID HAIRCUT KID'S MOM.

No fucking way.

A few of my kindhearted readers expressed pity for the poor cherub, who annoyed us so, for being cursed with such an imbecile for a mother. My cold black heart was unmoved.



Apparently, the universe thought it fit to teach me a lesson. Is it coincidence that a mere 8 days after I wrote a scathing review of her son, that Stupid Haircut Kid's Mom removed all the paint from my minivan's rear fender? I think not. And perhaps I should stop referring to the cherub as "Stupid Haircut Kid" before my tires go flat.

So you may enjoy vicarious payback on Cherub's Mom's behalf, here is a little entertainment.
I especially like when the dude in the green does a hand-puppet-show-dance from behind the couch.

Your little cherub is an obnoxious ass

Some people should just not be allowed to have children. There's got to be a way to sort them out before they unleash their spawn on the world. I met the most ANNOYING kid in the world the other night. I think he was on a covert mission to slip over to our family's table, gain trust as one of our children, and then destroy us from the inside.

This kid would just not leave us alone. We were sitting together, eating our dinner, when here comes Stupid Haircut Kid out of nowhere. He pulled up a chair, while eating a box of NERDS for dinner, and started talking to Lennie. We were all kind of like "Where the hell are this kid's parents?" Uninvited, he picked up Connor's beloved Transformers and began to play. Lennie asked him, in the most restrained voice I've ever heard, to please be gentle with the toy. Next thing you know, the kid fucking broke off a piece.

Then he tried to hug Lennie.

The sadistic side of me actually enjoyed watching Lennie's "fight or flight" response play out on his face. It wasn't hard to tell he was debating between picking this kid up by the scruff of his neck and booting his ass back to his own table, or just gathering our kids, baby and toys and running away hoping he won't pursue. I say, mace first, then run.

Lennie said, "Ok, Pal, time to go back to your own table." Except, his Mom had gotten up to go to the bathroom. She just left her Stupid Haircut Kid with a bunch of strangers and expected us to watch him for her. Here's a tip, lady: Don't leave your kid with a strange family; it could be my family and I could be contemplating macing your kid.

The Mom was gone for a good 10 minutes and the whole time, this kid was trying to snuggle Lennie and taking toys out of Connor's hand, and we did our best to instill order, but he's not our kid so we can't beat him.

When Stupid Haircut Kid's Mom finally wandered over to our table, the kid told her that he broke the Transformer. Her response? "Oh yeah, those things break all the time."

Let's just say it's a good thing Lennie doesn't pack heat like Plaxico Burress, because he'd be turning himself in today too. I think our silence and avoidance of eye contact, coupled with our clenched jaws, would have cued most people on to the fact that we are not enjoying her son's company, but not this Mom. She just went back to her table. Lennie had to physically pick up the kid's chair and move it back to his table before she got the point. Then, she seemed offended.

Now help me, there has just got to be a way to filter these people out. A questionnaire or something they could fill out so we'll all KNOW, that for the good of civilization, this one must not breed. We could even make it easy: TRUE/FALSE

Some questions could be:
1. A box of NERDS can be dinner. True/False

2. It's OK to leave your kid with strangers while you go to the bathroom for an hour. True/False

3. It's cool to give your kid a haircut that would make a Yeti cringe. True/False

4. Breaking other kids' toys is the toys' fault. True/False

5. When someone is restraining themselves from macing your kid, it's a good idea for your kid to attempt to sit on their lap. True/False

It's a simple system, too many True's and it's off to the clinic we go. Tra la la la laaa.